To love or not to love
I can only love obsessively. Every thought that I have is filled with fantasies about that one person who is taking over my whole mind. Even in that moment between falling asleep and being awake, the moment when you can’t think about anything, this person is running through my head, dancing around, kicking my brain and clapping with their hands just to let me know how fucked up in love I am. This could be seen as something wonderful, but it’s also terrifying. Especially since the fact that I am the Queen of picking out people who are completely destroyed. I am that girl who thinks that I can change people into the good version of themselves. I think that the love between me and that person is so intense that it will conquer everything, and that this time, it will be different. Nevertheless, it’s always the same old story and it always turns out the same way as all the other ones.
Being addicted to those unhealthy and impossible loves makes you so unhappy. So why are we still doing this? Every pattern is hard to break through, so this one as well. For as long as I had the ability to love, I find myself in situations that are really unhealthy. And no, this is not only because of the other person. I once said to my first love that I’d rather be unhappy with her than happy without her. And this is actually the only way I can love. I don’t know the feeling of a stable relationship, literally I have no clue what that would be like. You could say that maybe this is my way to love and be loved, but on the other hand, isn’t there so much more happiness in a relationship when you can feel safe and at home?
Love should actually be a really simple thing to do. You have two human beings -or more, whatever you prefer- who like each other, they think the other one is cute and they feel the need to be with them and spend time together, so they do. Nothing more, nothing less. Unfortunately, when reality kicks in, it’s a whole lot different than this ideal scenario where you can just love each other, and it will be enough. What I like to do is search for excitement and a little trouble, because let’s be honest, isn’t that the most wonderful game to play? The mistake I make is that I lose myself in these situations. Everything that is a little wrong is addictively good, I think heroine feels like that. Because the good moments are beyond great and the bad moments will tear you apart.
But in the end the most important thing, my loves, is that we need to take care of ourselves. Self worth is something that helps you find the love you deserve. Try to get in a really good place within yourself by investing a lot of time in you and your needs. Because of that, you’ll automatically distance yourself from those unhealthy situations, although it’s sometimes still very hard to do so. Then again, that is also something we need to accept. Everything is a process, this is (I feel) one of the hardest but also one of the most needed processes you’ll ever go through.
Love will always be one of the hardest aspects of our lives. Love will, as well, give you the feeling of living. Love will tear you apart and love will make you feel complete again. Remember who you are and you will be just fine.
Written by Rosa Stil